Debunking Viral Claim About the Talmud and Minors
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Your fragile ego makes you take things personally. Build real self-worth is the effective antidote to anger.
I want to save you 25 years of therapy.
Something happens, and you take it personally → you get upset.
Something happens, and you don’t take it personally → you don’t get upset.
That’s it.
So the real question is: why do you take things personally?
In a word: the ego.
When you are egocentric, everything becomes about you.
A person bangs into you on a busy street, and you turn around, annoyed — only to discover that he’s blind or otherwise disabled, simply trying to get past you. The moment you see his limitation, your heart goes out to him, your ego is muted; suddenly it no longer feels like something that was done to you and the anger evaporates.
Or a coworker spills coffee on your desk and dashes away. You’re ready to storm into her office — until you learn that her child was just rushed to the hospital.
Anger can't survive without that inner voice insisting, “This was done to me.”
Human beings are wired for connection. Connection is our deepest pleasure. So our greatest fear is the pain of rejection or disconnection.
Whether or not you feel worthy of connection depends on your sense of self-worth.
Here's the key: Self-esteem and the ego function like a seesaw — one goes up, the other goes down.
The less self-esteem you have, the more your ego inflates to compensate for feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame.
The more self-esteem you have, the smaller the ego. The less self-esteem you have, the more your ego inflates to compensate for feelings of guilt, insecurity, and shame.
The ego is the false self — a protective shell built when you don’t feel good enough inside.
And what does the ego do?
It makes everything about you — and the more the ego is engaged, the more personally you take things, because we become quite literally egocentric.
Rabbi Yisroel Salanter, (1810–1883), the founder of the Mussar self-improvement movement, write, “Anger does not begin from the act itself, but from the interpretation that forms in a person’s heart” (Ohr Yisrael, Iggeret 18).
Because the ego exists to compensate for low self-worth, it lives in constant fear that how people treat you is “proof” that you’re not worthy of love and connection.
So when someone is rude, dismissive, or inconsiderate, the ego interprets this as confirmation of your deepest fear: “Maybe I’m not worthy of love.”
When someone is rude, dismissive, or inconsiderate, the ego interprets this as confirmation of your deepest fear: “Maybe I’m not worthy of love.”
That fear becomes anger, a secondary emotion that masks vulnerability.
This leads to one of the most crucial insights:
Someone’s words or actions only hurt because of how we already feel about ourselves.
Think about it: If someone sees you as “less,” that doesn’t make you less. But if you feel less, then their behavior becomes frightening, and fear becomes anger.
In truth, how someone behaves toward you reflects their self-worth and has nothing to do with your intrinsic worth, unless your ego decides to make it about you.
When someone close to you — your spouse, for example — does something you don't like, the behavior itself is not what upsets you; it's the meaning you attach to it.
You may think, “No, I’m upset because of what they DID.” But look closer.
Their action is one thing. What you’ve concluded that action means about you — that’s the real source of your anger.
You tell yourself:
“They don’t respect me.”
“They don’t appreciate me.”
“They don’t love me enough.”
Here’s the key distinction:
If you became upset with your spouse, and then they apologized sincerely — with tears, taking full responsibility, asking for forgiveness, and doing everything they could to make it right — would you still be able to hold on to the anger?
You’d still object to the behavior, of course. But the anger would fade because the meaning you assigned shifts, and that changes how you feel.
In fact, instead of staying hurt, you might even find yourself trying to comfort your spouse and bring them out of their pain. Once the ego is subdued, you’re no longer “I-focused” and empathy naturally emerges.
But let’s go even deeper.
Even then, the question remains: What does that mean?
It may mean your spouse lacks self-esteem and therefore struggles to give or receive love and respect. A person can only give what they have.
It might mean you need to ask:
“Have I been loving?” “Has my conduct contributed to this dynamic?”
But one conclusion that is always wrong is the ego-based one: “I deserve this because something is wrong with me.”
Anger arises from the meaning you attach, not from the situation itself. And that meaning is rooted in how you feel about yourself.
No one wants to be mistreated, and the pain may be real. But anger arises from the meaning you attach, not from the situation itself. And that meaning is always rooted in one thing: how you feel about yourself.
If you feel unworthy of love and connection, you begin scanning the world for “evidence.”
If you don’t find it, you invent it. You begin reading into things, jumping to conclusions, and connecting dots to complete the narrative that reinforces that belief.
The Rambam explains that a person experiences the world not as it is, but “lefi mah she’hu,” according to his inner state. He writes that a person’s internal beliefs generate his emotional reactions: “The imaginings… they are what give rise to anger, grief, and fear” (Moreh Nevuchim 3:8).
This means everyone around you could do everything right and you would still see a different reality. You become locked into these patterns and, scarily so, too often subconsciously manipulate events to match your expectations. It's how you need the world to be.
When the ego dominates, being right becomes more of an emotional priority than being happy.
Once that belief takes hold, you become hyper-attuned to anything that supports it. You "see" what you need to see to prove yourself right.
The world is as you predicted. You feel secure because your beliefs — no matter how damaging and distorted — have been reaffirmed. You will be right, even if it destroys you and your relationships in the process.
To learn how to effectively deal with this, see my book Never Get Angry Again.
People tend to get angry when they’re saddled with lies and deceptions —and punished for fighting back. Well, I’m undeterred and I’ve developed a comprehensive plan to fight back. Stay tuned.
I’m not sure if the language has changed, but I learned that the part of us that is “me” centered is called the “id”, while the healthy human sense is the ego, which seeks healthy life and relationships. The part “above” the ego is the super-ego.
But my bigger problem with this article is that it says nothing about anger springing from legitimate grievance, especially physical injury. It can also be true if one is literally cheated (out of wages, for example.) Ultimately it is better for oneself to move on, but seeking redress for the injury is not wrong.
TIME backwards is EMIT
It takes TIME to EMIT anything, and it takes TIME for EMES, truth.
It takes TIME to cope with ANGER.
Patience is required. Perhaps, if we close our eyes more often, we will gain more patience. (A blind person has to have humble patience, to avoid accidents, etc)
CLOSE your eyes more often and feel the difference in your FOCUS... Thanks much
In marriage, family, and community, there's much to learn in this article.
However, being human, living in the world as it is, when I view
injustice, the murder of children, outrageous crimes, political chicanery
that harms families and destroys communities with crime, drugs,
violence, disrespect for law--I get more than angry.
Often, few care, life goes on, people forget, the evils continue,
and injustice gets worse. If my ego cares about injustice I see
around me, then I am grateful to have an ego. If caring about
someone else's life and health are about my ego, then ego is good.
I wish more people would become angry about the evils going on
in the world and use their egos to work together toward justice and
peace.
You need to make a difference between egocentric touchiness and anger over genuine injustices. Sometimes people are angry because of people they don't know, who are abusing others whom they also don't know - and who are far away. For example I live in Canada, so this is nothing about me - but when ISIL, Hamas & other armed Islamists abuse people including Jews, people in Darfur, etc., when ICE abuses their power and treats immigrants and even citizens like garbage, and when Russia commits war crimes I GET ANGRY. That's not an ego thing.
I absolutely agree.That's a good anger!
Absolutely, correct. I totally agree.
If we aren't angry at evil, I think something is wrong with us.
A new idea popped into my head to help with PHONE addiction, Dr, Lieberman.
I am an IDEA PERSON, but all too often my ideas get rejected, because people do not appreciate them, or they think the ideas are obvious to anyone.
Here is an idea for Aish.com:
Why doesn't Aish have FOOTNOTE warnings on excessive PHONE / Screen use?
In addition, short suggestions, like EYE CLOSING pauses, could be be given.
Much thanks, again, for this wonderful advice.
Thank you for your comment and suggestion!
There’s an old line attributed to Walt Disney:
He wouldn’t move forward with an idea until he found three people who hated it.
Why? Because anything truly original feels threatening to people who can’t see the vision yet.
Don't let naysayers keep you from moving forward, Harry!
THANKS Dr. Lieberman, for Aish.com on Self - Esteem, today.
What about giving MORE CREDIT and REWARD to others, all the time?
For example, I can tell people, that I got help from YOU, on Aish.com and suggest that they read your article and books, etc. Yosef suffered from the jealousy of his brothers, etc... TNX Harry in Rochester NY
SHA (LO) M We might split SHALOM into SHAM LO, His Name.
Perhaps, we can have more peace / Shalom and less anger, by giving more credit to Hashem and to others, all the time. I would appreciate any comments, Dr. Lieberman.
Thank you, Thank you ...
Yes, absolutely. One of the strongest ways to build self-esteem is to give. The more you offer—your time, your help, your advice, or your gratitude—the better you end up feeling about yourself.
great insight and much needed
Thank you!
Great article. Thank you!
Thank you, E.G.