Debunking Viral Claim About the Talmud and Minors
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Labels can cause real damage.
Name calling in politics is nothing new. America has a long history of presidential candidates hurling insults at one another, going all the way back to the 1800 race between Thomas Jefferson and John Adams. And yet, it often feels like we manage to reach new lows.
When those who are competing for the presidency on both sides engage in juvenile name calling instead of focusing on differences in policies, it is not only demeaning to the position they seek but it helps launder this behavior for the general population, and makes name-calling permissible, acceptable, and even admirable. Children who call others names are called bullies and it is no less wrong when the same behavior is coming from adults.
Labeling a person can damage someone socially and financially in real and lasting ways you may not even appreciate in the moment.
David and Elisheva (names changed) are a fantastic couple in our community. They are building a beautiful family together, but their wonderful marriage almost didn’t happen.
Elisheva was moving to the West Side of Manhattan and went to meet up with a friend to see a potential apartment. She got to the building early and while waiting in the lobby, noticed a guy who looked, in her words, “Jewishly observant and normal.” Always on the lookout for her potential bashert, she asked the friend, “What’s the story with the guy who was in the lobby before?”
Oh, that guy? He’s totally weird, he is always talking to the doorman.
The friend made a face and said, “Oh, that guy? That guy is totally weird, he is always talking to the doorman.”
That comment embedded itself deeply in her mind and created a mental block, a narrative that David was “the weird guy who talks to the doorman,” someone she should never be interested in.
Elisheva moved into the building and, over the course of the next couple of years, crossed paths with David at Shabbat meals, speed dating events and, naturally, the lobby of the building. They made small talk and at times it even felt like they were making a connection, but whenever they interacted, Elisheva still heard the voice of her friend telling her that David is the “weird guy who talks to the doorman,” and she of course had no interest. Who wants to go out with someone weird?
Two years after Elisheva moved in, David was scheduled to move out and leave New York. On his last Shabbat, he ran into Elisheva and told her that he was leaving. They had a great conversation, and it even felt to him like for the first time, she had let her guard down. So, he thought to himself, why not, why not give this a shot and ask her out directly.
When Shabbat ended, he called her. Elisheva thought to herself, You know, he is a nice enough guy, and even if he is weird, he deserves an A for effort. I’ll go out once just to be nice. It will be a ‘one and done’.”
When they went out, Elisheva discovered that David often talked to the doorman because he lived on the first floor, worked from his apartment, had limited interactions with people, and enjoyed stepping out to connect with someone who was often lonely himself. David wasn’t “weird,” he was actually wonderful.
A few months later they were engaged, and the rest is history.
Had the friend not attached that label of “weird”, they could have avoided two years of dating the wrong people and “wasting” their time.
Reflecting on their story, Elisheva says had the friend not attached that label of “weird” and planted that mental block, they could have avoided two years of going down the wrong paths, dating the wrong people and “wasting” their time. Recognizing that while everything has a reason and God clearly decided they needed to date for two additional years after first seeing each other, she still says the friend was unkind and unfair using that term “weird” and it could have caused her to pass up her soul mate altogether.
This coming week we observe Tu B’Av. The Mishna characterizes Tu B’Av as the happiest day of the year, a day that the women of Jerusalem would dress up in white and would draw attention to their interest in finding a husband and building a home.
But why this date? The Talmud (Taanit 30a) identifies several events that happened specifically on the 15th of Av, including the day young men and women were allowed to marry among the different tribes. It was also the day the tribe of Benjamin was welcomed back into the Jewish people after the sordid episode with the concubine in Givah detailed in the Book of Judges, the day those who travelled through the desert stopped dying, the day the guards who blocked the roads to Jerusalem were removed, the day those martyred in Beitar were allowed to be buried.
What emerges from this seemingly disparate list is that Tu B’Av is the holiday of bringing back together that which was apart. Tribes were divided, the Jewish people were alienated from God, and on Tu B’av the pieces of the puzzle that belonged together were put back in place to form the most beautiful and unified picture.
Tu B’Av is the holiday of unity and oneness, of parts becoming a whole.
We can only go from Tisha B’Av, a day commemorating the tragedies and calamities that come from being divided, to Tu B’Av, a day of unity and togetherness, if we are careful with our labels, words, and the way we describe one another. There is nothing weird about loving every Jew and seeing the best and the positive in them.
The next time you are asked about someone for a date, a business deal or as a reference, be honest and truthful. But also be thoughtful and judicious in what adjectives and labels you use. One word can be the difference between happiness and loneliness.
The article mentions the 15 of Av to find a match, also I read another day is Yom Kippur to find a match in ancient Israel the two most days in the year to find your Zivug/Bashert
In the upper west side of Manhattan there are some singles there, that know people of the opposite sex for years and put them in the friend zone, I think the person "Elisheva" asked about "David" called him "weird" because the friend put him in the friend zone, I don't think a person is "weird" when they talk to the doorman, when someone goes out on a date people judge, there date how they treat the waiter/waitress(anyone that is a server, busboy), if they don't treat the waiter/waitress with respect, they won't treat their spouse with respect, in my view if someone treats their doorman with respect they will respect, they will treat their spouse with respect, disrespecting someone like a waiter/waitress, is a big red flag, it means they wouldn't treat their spouse with respect, either
You all need to learn how to embrace the "weird" label for standing up to doing the right thing like how Abraham our forefather embraced the Biblical equivalent term back in his day "Ivri" meaning "other side of the river" since I seemed strange to the rest of the population for not worshipping idols.
But this was EXACTLY why I said we need to choose our words wisely!
Yet another reason to choose our words wisely. The friend could merely have pointed out that she saw this young man chatting with the doorman of the building. No further commentary was necessary!
I agree with you, she almost spoiled a match, people should not listen what others say "Elisheva" herself should of find out how "David" is in legal terms it is called "heresay" (hearing from another party) this so called "friend" didn't real know David
Similar to Tu'BAV. There is an old Non-Jewish Festive day - called - Sadie Hawkins Day. The women can OPENLY approach the men & let them know - they're interested in them. Since Tu'BAv was permitted in Biblical times - & was/is similar in nature. MAYBE - there might be a way to incorporate this into Tu'BAv - or other day(s) - to facilitate & help those who are seeking a SHIDDUCK - a BESHERT - a PARTNER come together today? Similar to the Jewish Single Young Professionals Groups - etc..
seems like she wants to push the responsibility onto her friend
Thank your for sharing this story. I have been a "victim" of similar misperceptions. It is so important to learn the whole picture.
There is the story of a mayoral candidate who called his opponent a “thespian” and because people didn’t know what it meant they assumed it was something bad. Eventually the opponent learned of this and responded that yes, in college he was a member of an amateur acting group so could be called a thespian, or actor. Unfortunately it was too late to undo the damage caused by the misunderstanding, and he lost the election to the wilely and unscrupulous candidate.
I think I know what you're getting at--if I'm wrong I apologize. JD Vance is a weirdo of the first class. I happen to be one of those childless cat ladies--married 41 years but I had PCOS so I wasn't able to have kids. It's the height of cruelty to put down women who are childless. He doesn't know their personal stories or the agonies they may have gone through. What is he thinking? His wife needs to put him straight and in case he doesn't know, childless cat ladies VOTE and we don't vote for weirdos.