3 Steps to Accepting Change in Your Spouse

I was just 14 when my older brother got married.

I remember standing awkwardly at my sister-in-law’s bridal shower. It was hosted in her parents’ living room, filled with women who were at least ten years older than me. I didn’t even know what would happen at a bridal shower. I watched as the beautifully wrapped gifts piled up and listened as guests offered heartfelt pieces of marriage advice, each scribbled on a slip of paper and placed in a hat for the bride to read aloud.

She began pulling them out one by one, reading them with a smile:

“Write down your husband’s positive traits and read it when you’re annoyed at him.”

“Never go to bed angry.”

That last one stuck with me. It’s common advice, often offered with the best of intentions. Then I interviewed a woman who had been happily married for 70 years. Her advice? “Go to bed angry.”

She told me, “If it’s really important, it will still be there in the morning. But by then, you’ll have cooled off. And if it’s not there? You’ll realize it wasn’t worth the fight.”

Back to that bridal shower.

My sister-in-law eventually pulled out my note. I had no idea what marriage advice to give—I was an inexperienced teenager who had never even dated, let alone understood what it meant to share a life with someone. I cringe remembering what she read aloud:

“If you want to have a happy marriage…don’t look at my brother’s feet!”

There was a pause. Complete silence. I wanted to disappear.

My sister-in-law could have rolled her eyes, cast me off as bratty and annoying, and held on to that moment as a defining one for our relationship.

But she didn’t.

She did a great act of kindness: she allowed me to grow up.

My sister-in-law never held it against me. She didn’t box me in as the sarcastic teenager. She gave me space to evolve. And because she did, today we have a beautiful relationship.

That gift—allowing someone the dignity to change—is one of the most powerful forms of kindness. And sadly, it’s one that many people never receive.

People tend to quickly put their new family members into boxes: “My mother-in-law is too controlling.” Or, “My sister-in-law is cold.” And once that label is there, it’s hard to tear it off.

Spouses do it to each other, too. One comment made in frustration gets stored in a mental file, labeled Selfish. A repeated mistake becomes evidence of a permanent character flaw. And just like that, we stop allowing the other person to grow.

But I’m not who I was at 14. We change constantly. The person we married five years ago, or the sister-in-law we first met at a bridal shower, will not be the same person we know in a decade.

Allowing people to change is also a necessity for any lasting relationship.

Here are three practical ways on how to do it.

1. Give yourself time to be upset—then choose connection.

When your spouse (or anyone close to you) does something hurtful, it’s okay to feel angry. You don’t have to pretend everything is fine. In fact, pushing down big emotions often backfires.

Instead, allow yourself a designated amount of time to feel upset. Set a timer if you have to. Let yourself stew for five minutes, then make a move—any move—toward connection.

A friend of mine once told me about a fight she had with her husband right before they had to attend a wedding. He said something that stung and she sat there in the car fuming. She gave herself five minutes of silence and then she reached over and squeezed his hand. It wasn’t forgiveness, not quite yet, but it was a step.

Step out of the world of estrangement and enter the world of connection. You can’t be in both at the same time. Giving—whether it’s a kind word, a smile, or just your attention—is the doorway back to connection.

2. Accept that pain in marriage is normal—and inevitable.

Your spouse will hurt you more deeply than anyone else can.

It sounds harsh but it’s actually a reflection of the depth of the bond. The more vulnerable we are, the more exposed our emotions become. The potential for pain grows alongside the potential for love.¹

There will be moments when you feel frustrated, misunderstood, and even angry beyond words. That’s part of being in a close relationship. The key is not to let those moments define your perception of the other person.

If your spouse is making a genuine effort—if he is working on himself, even imperfectly—hold on to that. Trust in his trajectory, not just his current position.

3. Accept that some things may never change—and that’s okay.

Sometimes, your spouse (or sibling-in-law, child, or parent) just won’t change. Maybe they’ve tried. Maybe they haven’t. Either way, not everything gets fixed.

Perhaps you’ve asked your husband to stop leaving his socks on the floor for the last five years, and yet they’re still there, every morning. Maybe you have repeatedly asked your wife to be more organized with your shared finances, and it falls on deaf ears. That doesn’t mean he or she is disrespectful or incapable—it might just mean this is his or her limit right now.

Change is hard. If it were easy, we’d all be perfectly fit, endlessly patient, and never reactive. But we’re human.

Reclaiming your power begins the moment you accept this. Focus on your lane—your reactions, your growth, your mindset. Sometimes, the most profound change in a relationship comes not from fixing the other person, but from releasing the desire to.

If you want a deeper relationship, start by loosening your grip on who you think they are. Let the people in your life step out of the boxes you’ve put them in. Make space for change. Because the moment you let someone grow is the moment your relationship can truly begin to flourish.

1. This advice refers to normal daily interactions and does not include hurt caused by abuse.