Debunking Viral Claim About the Talmud and Minors
28 min read
17 min view
9 min read
Not touching members of the opposite sex sounds extreme. Is it?
Shomer negiah is a Hebrew term that refers to people who observe the Jewish law that prohibits all physical contact between members of the opposite sex, with the exception of the person you’re married to (and a few others like parents, siblings, and the like).
That means no handshakes, hugs, or anything else, until you put a ring on it.
In popular culture—where hugs and handshakes are commonplace—shomer negiah probably sounds extreme.
Is it?
To answer that, you need to first take a look at shomer negiah in context, which means grappling with the Jewish definitions of love, relationships, commitment, sex, and transcendence.
In Jewish thought, love is understood as “the emotional pleasure you feel when you appreciate the virtues of another person.”1 Love is a choice. You choose—and make the effort—to think about another person’s positive qualities, and that transforms how you feel about him or her.
Love isn’t magic. It’s something you work on, and the more effort you put into focusing on virtues, the stronger your love.
On another level, love is also rooted in giving. The Hebrew word for "give," hav (הב), shares a grammatical root with ahava (אהבה), "love." The Jewish idea is that giving leads to love: when I give to you, I have invested a part of myself in you.
That’s why parents feel such a strong love for their children. A young child is helpless—and selfish, and stays up all night crying, or teething, or whatever—yet his parents give to him anyway. They give unconditionally, the child doesn’t know to say—and isn’t able to say—”thank you.” Yet despite that his parents love him, and that’s because unconditional giving leads to unconditional love.
But love is one-sided, it’s you appreciating the virtues of someone else. A relationship is when that love is reciprocated, and the strength of that relationship is determined by the person who wants it the least.2 If I love you, but you like me, we’re not in love, we’re in “like.”
A healthy relationship is when each partner makes it his or her responsibility to love, which means: a) focusing on the other’s virtues (and reviewing, and going deeper, and getting an even better and more sophisticated understanding and appreciation for your partner), and b) giving unconditionally.
Love comes at a cost, and its price is commitment.
In a world where it’s a given that you’re going to focus on your partner’s positive qualities—not blind to his or her shortcomings, just opting not to make them the focus of your attention unless, of course, there’s a problem—and you’re giving unconditionally, you are setting yourself up for a successful, long-term, and incredible relationship.
But there’s a catch.
Only one environment makes that level of focus and giving possible—where it’s safe to completely let down your guard—and that’s one where you’ve made a total commitment.
Love comes at a cost, and its price is commitment.
Commitment, for the most part, allows you to be vulnerable. You can give of yourself freely and openly, without fearing that your partner may one day just decide he’s had enough.
Commitment is also the reason parents and siblings—and families in general—love each other, despite different personalities, interests, temperaments, and ways of seeing the world, because with family, commitment is assumed.
Commitment isn’t perfect, obviously—some people are bad, or lazy, or tempted and weak, and will make very bad decisions despite their commitments—but it’s the best you’ve got.
On a mystical level, husband and wife are not considered mere partners; rather their souls are united, merging into a greater whole.
In a Jewish marriage that commitment is forever, and is distinct from other commitments—like roommates or partnerships—that are easier to get out of. On a mystical level, husband and wife are not considered partners, and their marriage is not a mere legal formality, rather, it’s seen as if their souls are united, merging into a greater whole.
When you’re in the depths of a committed, giving, loving relationship—like a Jewish marriage—you give 100 percent and expect nothing in return, but get back way more than you bargained for.
And it’s in an environment like that where it’s safe to talk about sex.
Sex, within the context of a giving, loving relationship, is more than just a way to enhance a relationship. You can love anyone, but you cannot—or at least should not—love anyone with the same level of intimacy and understanding as your spouse. The vulnerability of sex requires the commitment that only marriage provides, and that is one reason why the Torah only permits sex within marriage.
That’s a good thing, too, and that’s why the secret to great sex is commitment. If you want incredible sex, make a commitment for life (and mean it, don’t just invoke the lyrics of Meat Loaf’s 1977 classic, “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”).
A Jewish life is expected to be sexually active—that’s even stipulated in the ketubah, or Jewish marriage contract—but only within the context of a lifelong commitment.
That may sound quaint, or at least antiquated, to contemporary ears. But is it? In the Jewish model, you know where you stand, and when you invest in the relationship, you’re in it forever.
But sex is more than just a powerful connection (or the way to make babies). In Jewish thought, sex is holy. That’s hinted at in the Hebrew word for the marriage ceremony, kiddushin (קדושין), which comes from the word kadosh (קדוש), holy.3
Using sex as a means to express your deepest love with your spouse takes a powerful physical act and transforms it into something lofty, or spiritual.
On a simple level, holiness is achieved through elevating—or reframing the way you relate to—physical experiences. Using sex as a means to express your deepest love with your spouse takes a powerful physical act and transforms it into something lofty, or spiritual.
But it’s deeper than that.
According to the Talmud,4 the biblical book, the Song of Songs—which, on the surface, is written as a somewhat suggestive love song between a man and a woman—is called the holy of holies. That’s because love is a powerful metaphor, except that here it’s not just describing a longing for love: it’s also about your longing for God.
That longing is specifically alluded to in the verse (Song of Songs 6:3), "I am to my beloved, and my beloved is to me," which refers to a yearning for oneness, or connection, with God.
Your sex drive—your longing for an intimate connection—is extremely powerful. It is a physical manifestation of your deepest spiritual longing: an intense desire to feel a connection with God.
That’s also why you use the same words—like intimacy, unity, and closeness—to explain both spirituality and sex, because they describe the same type of connection. A Jewish marriage is an expression of unity, and sex within marriage is an experience of unity, which is another reason why the Torah only permits sex within marriage. You’re literally fostering unity: your union reflects your desire to connect to God himself.
Anything else misses the point.
And once you accept that, shomer negiah makes perfect sense.
If you believe that sex is holy, that it’s a physical manifestation of your greatest spiritual drive, that it requires a commitment, and that you are not interested in it in any context outside that commitment, then, hello, why would you do otherwise?
The sex drive is powerful. You acknowledge and respect its power, and, when you practice shomer negiah, you are using common sense—you’re saying, “I’m simply not touching anyone I may feel attracted to”—to keep that drive in check.
The secret is in the name. Shomer negiah (שומר נגיעה) means “guarding the touch,” except that the word for touch, negiah (נגיעה), also means bias. When you touch someone, it creates a bias. It breaks a barrier and you feel closer. According to Harvard Medical School:5
“Just the simple act of touch seems to boost oxytocin release [oxytocin is a hormone that, among other things, manages aspects of human behavior]. Giving someone a massage, cuddling, making love, or giving someone a hug leads to higher levels of this hormone and a greater sense of well-being.”
That doesn’t mean you will want to have sex with every person you shake hands with, or with every person who gives you a pat on the back. It’s just that you’re letting down your guard, even if that’s just a little bit. Practicing shomer negiah keeps that guard in place, and, based on your values and beliefs, for you, that’s a priority.
Shomer negiah puts the onus on you. You’re not asking others to change how they dress or behave. You’re saying, “My values are my responsibility, and this is what I am prepared to do in order to maintain the high standards I set for myself.”
Personal responsibility is a hallmark of Jewish belief. You are responsible for your happiness and success, and practicing shomer negiah is one way of taking control.
According to the great medieval thinker and scholar, Rabbi Moses Maimonides (1135-1204), when the Torah (Leviticus 18:6) says, “[No person should] come close to uncover nakedness,”6 it means, “Don’t come close to the things that bring you to uncovering nakedness,” and is specifically prohibiting hugging, kissing, or any other pleasurable physical contact that may lead to sexual arousal.7
Shomer negiah is not a rabbinical fence, but derived from the Torah. The extent to how far that applies is—like most things Jewish—debated by later authorities. But all agree, sex is holy, and not something to engage in outside of marriage; and, if that’s important to you, is your responsibility to keep under control.
Sorry … but logical leap from “no sex” to “no touch” is tenuous at best. To assume humans cannot tell the difference …that touching is in and of itself something nefarious outside of marriage .. is insulting.
I might have felt the same way as you do until I hit a rocky place in my marriage I was working with a neighbor to remedy a neighborhood wide problem . He was so kind and thoughtful I realized I was attracted to him and his touch just a pat on the back resonated as sexual. Also, my childrens swim coach a very handsome teenager flirted with me. later on I found out some of my neighbors were sleeping with teenagers I was at a very vulnerable time but I recognized the connection. I realized the wisdom of Jewish practice. Anyone can make mistakes when they are in despair. Also I have found through my travels that in other countries if you allow a man to touch you in an innocent way they take it as an invitation to sex, that you are loose.
I am a none Jew woman who four years ago decided to study Torah Hebrew from Israel and to dive and learn on my own everything about Hashem's chosen people, Judaism, Laws, Pirkei Avot, parashot, Talmud, the different groups and traditions etc. All I want to say is that I love this article because of the description of the beautiful connection with the Creator in that manner of purity and commitment. I will read this article to my only daughter who still lives with us finishing her career in Forensic (Toxicology), who have had no boyfriend yet and knows that her parents waited and also abstained from kissing and touching until the first night they became husband and wife.
Thank you!
So there are two more comments I wanted to add. First, if someone of the opposite gender should trip and fall on the sidewalk, I will help him get up. This does not fall under the same category as shaking hands. Second, we need to teach children that they do NOT owe strangers/unfamiliar relatives affection just because the relative expects it. If said relative/stranger is offended by hearing the word no from a child, then that is a them problem!
This article clearly articulates why we should not touch, who we should touch and what touch can do. I’m trying to figure out why so many are appalled at this. Touching others lets our guard down - our sexual guard down. If you look around at the sexual misconduct occurring, your resistance to this fits right in.
An outsider reading this article would be very surprised to discover that Jews do divorce, and that vindictive men can refuse to give their wives a religious divorce thus condeming her to never be able to form another relationship, and rendering anny children she has mamzerim.
Personally I don't spend my time thinking of myself as a "woman". I am a "person". In the company of men who won't touch me casually I resent being forces to regard my sex chromosomes and female genetalia as the the most important part of ME.
Also vindictive women refuse to accept a get. Yes, it happens. And the prohibition of against touching of the opposite sex goes both ways. It's not about your genitalia, it's about preserving the holiness of marriage by setting boundaries for both married and single people of both sexes.
I am past 70 years of age. A young man (maybe 18 years old) greeted my husband by shaking hands. I put out my hand (to shake his too) and although he did shake hands with me I immediately realised this young man was not comfortable with that. We know the family casually. Did I do the wrong thing? Serious replies only. 😉 Thank you!
You are overthinking this. In the United States today people shake hands, men with men, women with women, men with women ect. I am a female in business and I shake men's hands all the time because they EXPECT me to do it. If I do not do it, then things get very uncomfortable. Sure other cultures may not agree with shaking hands period or shaking hands with different sexes, but that is not the way USA business works today for the still few women who are involved in it.
You're basically saying that this is a matter of the "majority rules" without regard for personal principles, which can be explained and are usually respected.
Woe to us if we were to follow the majority in today's world and not stay true to our values!
Was it a religious Jewish man?
You shouldn't extend your hand to shake the hand of a religious Jewish man. On the other hand, you didn't know and he bears partial responsibility, as he could/should have politely excused himself.
There is no such thing as laws of "shomer negiah". Think: There are laws of Shabbat and someone who keeps those laws is shomer Shabbat. There are laws of negiah and someone who keeps those laws is shomer negiah.
We are human beings. Touching is not just for sexual activity. Touching is a means of communicating. Because we can talk we often ignore other forms of communication but that does not mean that these forms (including touching) are not useful or productive. Denying our human need to touch for communication purposes is NOT a good thing. Not all Jewish laws are good or desired. That is why conservative and reform Judism was established. The conservative/reform Jews correctly saw that some of these laws (including touching) were counterproductive so they changed Judism so it could be more useful as a way of life.
Uh huh, for their convenience (or whims), what they arbitrarily deemed not to be "good" or desired" (as you say) they changed so much that it's no longer recognizably Torah-true Judaism!
(Our God-given Torah is immutable, as is clearly stated.)
All Jewish laws are good, even if we don't understand them or disagree with them, because they are from G-d and therefore for higher and better purposes. If the laws of orthodox practice are counter productive, then when is orthodoxy growing while the Reform and Conservative movements are shrinking?
I disagree that orthodox is growing. However reform and Conservative Judisam are shrinking. Islam and evengelical Christianity is also growing. In these troubling times people are going back to their ancestreal religions whatever they are. In my opinion they will not find the peace they seek there but that is my opinion. There are relatives of my husband's that are evengelical Christians so I have to deal with them from time to time. They are always nice to me, but yet there is something I cannot really describe it in words.
With an avg. fertility rate of 4.1 per couple, the orthodox are growing. Replacement rate is 2.1 yet the non-orthodox have a fertility rate of about 1.6-1.7, last I read the studies. As a result, Orthodox day schools are bursting with students and sadly, some have the luxury of turning away students because of capacity limits. Orthodox synagogues are growing both in number of shuls and in membership, even before considering "break away" minyans that are not officially affiliated with national orthodox orgs like the OU or Young Israel. I take no triumphalist joy in pointing all this out, but orthodoxy is growing in absolute numbers and as the proportion of the Jewish population as a whole.
What statistical studies have you read to make your erroneous claim about orthodoxy?!
Just had an interesting thought. Out here in CA all is huggy huggy touchy feely. It took me 40 years to adapt. As another commenter said ‘why would i want to hug a stranger?”. It had never once occurred to me that this could be a Jewish religious artifact.
Have also been thinking about the NY Jewish communication style of overlapping and interrupting. The interrupting is very much a hallmark of ADHD/ADD. And guess which country has the highest level of those conditions? Israel. So perhaps our speech style is a combination of genetic factors and some cultural normalization.
Things to ponder anyway.
I liked the article and wish i had read it 50 plus years ago.
There are reason why you might want to hug a stranger. If someone is in emotional distress it often useful to hug them even if you do not know them. I have done this more than once and it helps the person I have hugged a lot, and often I am even thanked for it. Again these outdated Jewish ideas are counterproductive which is why I am a "reform" Jew.
Do you really think that the Creator doesn't know that the people He created sometimes need to be hugged?! It's mixed gender hugging that's problematic for normal people, although in today's "everything's okay" world one can't be sure anymore.
And it's a fact that some people don't like being touched, especially not by strangers.
Besides, some of the hugging and air kissing that goes on is obviously not sincere, just an expected cultural rite, like smiling and saying "hello" used to be.
Why are you so defensive? No one's telling you what to do, just explaining why observant Jews are careful.
It is perfectly okay to respectfully disagree with the author/commenters. It is not okay to engage in name calling which was what you did by calling this custom outdated.
These laws are not ideas and they are not counterproductive. They help keep husbands and wives committed. You don’t see that. I understand. You’re “reformed “. Reform means to make changes. The Torah clearly states DO NOT MAKE CHANGES.
No, the Hebrew word for “give” is נָתַן (natan). It means “to give, grant, or bestow.”
The word for “have” in Hebrew depends on the context:
• Hebrew does not use a direct verb for “have” like in English. Instead, possession is expressed using יֵשׁ לְ (yesh le…) meaning “there is to [someone].”
• Example: יֵשׁ לִי סֵפֶר (yesh li sefer) – “I have a book.”
So, while “give” (נָתַן) and “have” (יֵשׁ לְ) are related in meaning (since giving something can lead to someone having it), they are distinct in Hebrew.
You missed the point in the article!
I understand the point and appreciate it, even embrace it. The article began with making a connection to the Hebrew root word and it was an erroneous interpretation.
Thanks for your comment! It looks like you're confusing the Hebrew word, hav (הב) with the English word, "have." To give in Hebrew is natan (נתן), but it is also, hav. As noted in the article, the two letter root of the word hav, to give, shares a grammatical root with ahava (אהבה), the Hebrew word for love.
YES, it IS extreme. In today's society, you touch a woman's hand to accept change at the cash register, or even to shake a woman's hand. Most of us are NOT Chassidim! I myself am Modern Orthodox. (Although I -do- make sure that if I'm forced to be in a room alone with a woman, that at least the door is open!)
I agree with only in the first part of touching when the intention is to take advantage of her body for your gratification....Should a normal touch without this intention lead to negative results,I'll accept the consequences.Anyway,for MY mental wellbeing it's healthy to refrain from physical gratification only during the first 5 dates.If the member of the opposite gender refuses because she want be strict,this is another story...(I would refrain from touching because of DERECH ERETZ KADMA LATORA...)Anyway,if I will give a poiano class to any member of the opposite gender,Iwill insist that the door be CLOSED!
You've described the abrogation of another Torah law— yichud.
This is not related to only Chassidim. People in the Litvish/Yeshivish community observe this too. Giving change at a cash register can be done without touch, such as putting the change on the counter. That said, some great rabbis have ruled that incidental touch, such as you describe or accidentally bumping into someone on public transportation, is not a transgression, even if it is ideally avoided. But when one has a choice, such as extending a hand for a handshake, the boundaries are ideally maintained.
The halachos of forbidden touch apply to the Modern Orthodox as well as all Jews. I am assuming any Modern Orthodox Rabbi will agree with me. There is nothing wrong with being Modern Orthodox (I was educated in this way) but it requires following halacha. Not following the halacha has nothing to do with Modern Orthodoxy. Modern Orthodox Rabbis may rule halacha differently than Chassidic ones, but they still apply. It is a good idea for every Jew to find a Rabbi they can go to for guidance. It can feel awkward asking personal questions, but trust me they have heard it before.
A beautiful expression!
This leaves out that one purpose of any greeting inclusive handshakes is a means of showing peaceful intent by showing one's hand is weapon free.
Also there are fashions in greetings, friendship and intimacy so being too rigid irrrespective of the "customs of the country" [and epoch] can freeze out any relationship before it has started if not careful.
I really appreciate your explanation of Shomer Negiah! There were many times when I was relieved about a man not shaking my hand. IMO, we need to keep healthy physical boundaries from one another. I feel this way about both the same and opposite gender. Why should I be physically affectionate toward anyone I just met?
Robert, women are often taught to placate. I'm not saying this is the case for everyone, but I know many women (including Jewish women) who are polite in person, but are actually extremely offended.
If you make the choice to shake a man's hand and make the choice not to shake a woman's hand then you are inherently saying you view women as other and you won't treat them equally.
You get to make that choice. I would, however, doubt that the women you encounter don't take it as a personal offense. Women have enough to overcome without someone making them feel somehow unclean or unworthy (that has been my experience speaking with corporate women).
Many years ago I would have agreed with you. However, many women might also be relieved not to shake a man's hand. I personally have winced from a too strong handshake given to me by a man!
I'd say that's their problem!
And the issue can be sidestepped by simply explaining that while you respect the person, you cannot shake his/her hand because of religious precepts.
Their offense is their problem. That they project their own perception of offensive behavior onto me is not my problem if they can't respect others' beliefs and practices. Do they maintain their own expectations and perceptions of offense when in other countries in which standards of modesty or other behavior are different? Context is everything, including the context of a religious Jew being in a business meeting in the USA. My non-compliance with their prejudiced expectations of what they are owed is not my problem; I owe G-d a higher duty.
What you are saying in refusing physical contact with women is not that you view them as 'other', but that you deeply respect them and want to protect both your and their feelings. Physical touch, even casual, does arouse feelings of closeness, and this is not what one wants in a business setting. Think of how salespeople try to connect with their 'target', try to get them to actually hold the product, etc. Women should not be treated as some object that a man wants to touch. Her autonomy should be respected, by not extending physical touch from a man where inappropriate (any place outside of marriage to that man).
A warm smile and some kind words are a great way to show caring and concern toward any human being.
Fundamentalism. "Thou shalt not!" Why the need to proselitise? Having sex with people you aren't married to, might work for some. Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
This is not proselytizing (trying to convert non-Jews). It is raising one's own kedushah, holiness, and protecting that of one's marriage. Animals do whatever feels right in the moment.... eat, sex, kill, etc. whatever their instincts suggest. The benefit of human civil and religious boundaries is to elevate human behavior above that of our innate animal instincts and (religiously) to pursue holiness.
You're completely wrong: this article explains the concept of shomer negiah in a non-confrontational way.
Quite ironically (considering your unjust claim), you're touting your lack of respectable standards—lewdness, promiscuity and loose morals!
go for it Adele, and may G-d be with you. Though this is not on topic not respectful for you to enter this space. As a Jewish woman and mother, i want to be Shomer negiah.
G-d IS with her, at every moment, witnessing every time she flouts Torah law. Yet He is merciful in sustaining her life for another day - another opportunity to recognize her Creator and follow His Torah. Try waking up each morning and thanking your Creator for each breath you take, for the ability to see the sunshine, for the loved ones in your life - and then see how the rest of your decisions go that day. Might change 'what works' for you!