Increasing Intimate Pleasure in Marriage: A Jewish Perspective

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Judaism views intimacy within marriage as a holy act, a moment when God’s presence rests with the couple. There is nothing shameful or negative. Marital intimacy is part of an ideal union and is meant to be enjoyed by both partners.

Many women today, including married women, are sexually frustrated. A significant percentage of women, even in the secular world, have difficulty experiencing a climax with their spouse.

Judaism’s sex-positive views counters this issue. A husband is commanded by the Torah to satisfy his wife; sexual fulfillment, particularly for the woman, is considered a conjugal right.

Pleasing one’s spouse requires selfless giving, patience, and sensitivity.

This is affirmed in the ketubah, the Jewish marriage contract. The ketubah outlines the husband’s obligations toward his wife, including providing for her needs, giving her clothing, and granting her conjugal rights. These obligations, including her right to pleasure, are rooted in the Torah itself, specifically in Shemot (Exodus) 21:10.

Pleasing one’s spouse requires selfless giving, patience, and sensitivity.

Most women are unable to achieve climax from penetrative sex alone.

On average, a man typically achieves orgasm after five to seven minutes of intercourse. In comparison, the average time for a female to achieve climax is thirty to forty minutes.

Because men and women complete their sexual cycle at different times, the woman is often left unsatisfied. If one partner finishes after five minutes, the other partner will be left behind with no completion. Armed with this critical information, men must learn to slow themselves down in order to please their spouse.

Foreplay, therefore, is a prerequisite. Anatomically, a man, once aroused, can achieve an erection very quickly. Blood flows directly and quickly into the genitals, and the penis becomes erect. That blood flow then sends numerous signals to the brain, which registers pleasure.

Meanwhile, it can take 20 minutes for a woman to achieve her own clitoral erection. (Yes women also experience a form of swelling akin to an erection.) Men and women have the same amount of erectile tissue, but because blood does not flow as easily to the vulva, it takes longer to become erect and for the female to be fully aroused. The female’s spongy tissue is shaped like a teardrop wrapped around the vagina, while the male penis takes up much more external surface area—again making it easier to signal the brain and become aroused.

Furthermore, the female organ of pleasure, the clitoris, is located mostly externally, so internal penetration alone is not going to satisfy most women.

Achieving pleasure for the female is not insurmountable. Here are four techniques to help a couple slow down to experience pleasure. The husband needs to take the time to please his wife so that they can both achieve climax in the bedroom.

1. Breathing

Cortisol—aka the stress hormone—and climax can’t coexist, and the female body is not able to achieve climax without first being in a relaxed state.

Breathing is the easiest actionable step to bring you closer to relaxation and, therefore, pleasure. Taking a few slow deep breaths can relax the body and set the tone for what is to come.

Box breathing, meditation, and even taking a bath can all greatly increase the chances of female climax.

Furthermore, one of the best tips to promote pleasure is developing the ability to focus the mind and meditate in order to quickly shift from day to day stresses to the point of relaxation.

So, before you even begin to stimulate your spouse, take a minute to set the scene and wind down before engaging in pleasure together.

2. Blood flow

Climax is a biological response that occurs from muscle spasm. Both genders need proper blood flow in order to experience pleasure.

You can increase blood flow through exercise, Kegels, touch, and even tools. The more blood that flows to the genitals, the greater the chance of orgasm in the bedroom.

There are many erogenous zones on the body and just like no two people are the same, no two bodies are exactly alike, either. Take the time to learn your spouse’s pleasure map. Experiment with different strokes, pressure levels, and touch with the aim to please your spouse. Don’t be shy to instruct your spouse how to navigate it, or communicate what feels right to you. You will both be grateful that you did!

3. Body

Pleasure is presence, and one of the best ways to experience more pleasure in the bedroom is to become embodied in the experience. This means to really think about your body, and notice the sensations at each moment.

Just like maintaining the mind-body connection while working out will give you a better tone and make your muscles stronger, by putting your mind into your body and being present in the moment, you will start to experience more intimate pleasure in the bedroom.

In general, there are two ways to experience a deeper sense of pleasure. You either need to bring in more stimuli to make things more exciting, or you can slow down and really appreciate what you already have.

As a normal life example, you can either buy the brand new flavor of coffee at Starbucks or the mug you have been eyeing at the checkout counter, or you can more deeply enjoy your own brewed cup of coffee at home by noticing the scent, the aroma, and the taste during the five minutes of alone time you get while you sip your morning brew.

We may tend to dissociate in the bedroom. Our body is with our partner, but our mind is thinking of a hundred other things, or we are tired from a long day and are just going through the motions. If you can try instead to focus your mind on the present moment, you will begin to enjoy intimacy in a deeper way. Try it for yourself, and start noticing your body’s reaction.

One quick tip to getting embodied is called the traffic light system.

Just like a real traffic light, each person has different zones. A green zone may be a body part that you are typically happy for your partner to touch, and you have no strong reaction to it, like your hand or arm. The yellow zones are where you might sometimes appreciate touch and other times not, like the neck, the toes, and the naval. The red zones take time to warm up and enjoy touch: the buttocks, inner thigh, and the vaginal area.

Noticing your zones and what “color” they are in the bedroom is your first step to embodiment in the bedroom. Then you can eventually start to communicate this information to your spouse. Putting a color to your body parts is an easy way to becoming more present, and presence is pleasure.

4. Brain

Unfortunately, a person can have all the blood flow, relaxation, and embodiment in the world, and still not experience pleasure. Everything can be functioning properly down below, but if you’re feeling shame, stress, trauma or exhaustion, your brain will not allow you to experience pleasure.

The experience of pleasure is a synthesis of the brain and the body working together in harmony. Everyone has sexual inhibitors and sexual exciters. Inhibitors are like the brakes on a car; they slow you down. Exciters are like the gas pedal, revving you up and preparing you to enjoy intimacy.

Brakes are important because they keep us safe. If somebody jumps out into the middle of the road while you’re driving, you will immediately put the brakes on. In the sexual arena, if a child walks into your bedroom because you forgot to lock the door, then your mind will quickly put on the brakes and your arousal will end.

If your brakes are too strong because of stress, shame, trauma, or exhaustion, it can affect your ability to have pleasure in the bedroom, even if your spouse is doing everything right.

Both the brakes and the gas pedal are important to healthy sexual function, but if your brakes are too strong because of stress, shame, trauma, or exhaustion, it can affect your ability to have pleasure in the bedroom, even if your spouse is doing everything right.

If you are experiencing difficulty finding pleasure when your body should be in cruise control, be sure to address possible triggers like shame, trauma, and exhaustion before pointing fingers at your spouse’s ability to please you.

With the four ‘B’s in mind—Breathing, Blood flow, Body, and Brain—you are off to a great start in increasing your (and your partner’s) pleasure in the bedroom.